Sunday, November 9, 2008

Internal refusal to conform to normalcy...dangit.

Confession: I think- ah screw it- I'm pretty darn sure I have a fear of commitment. I can't just meet someone, know them a couple weeks, and then date them. I can't take the chance of that person not being someone I could really see myself with in the future. I have to really, really get to know them. Then, if I believe it's really a good thing, my friends like him, my parents like him, and the stars magically align, then I may have the courage to finally say yes. Maybe. I have this disabilitating part of my personality that screams, "Don't make a decision! You may regret it!" Psychologically crippled, I believe. Sometimes I wish it would just go away so I could breathe..

Then if some guy actually has courage and is forward with me, I'm flattered, but I also tend to recede into myself. Blargh. I'm tired of hurting people with my ambivalency. Maybe I'll move to New Zealand...

You want a heartbreak?
Just whisper in my ear
and hold me near.
I'll pull you close,
then push you away-
go have a fit
cuz I can't stay.

Cuz I'm scared
of what's to come.
Will I hurt you?
I know it sounds dumb.
But that's too bad
I won't give in-
just roll the die
in games I can't win.

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