You bite off

more than I can chew.

Right before the storm comes.

It rains and shelter is given from me.

But you don't even know my name.

Not anymore.

I feel I am a ploy.

And you don't see your game.

I don't want this to hurt us both.

And I don't know what to do.

Last night, I dreamt

that I was on a hill beside a body of water.

I was not alone.

There were many other people there.

Groups of these people were trying to roll a massive, heavy cylinder up the hill. They'd go a bit, slip, then they would either be crushed by the cylinder

or killed by the impact into the water.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

The masses wouldn't stop trying; they didn't see that what they were doing, no matter how virtuous or whatever, that it was killing them.

And it killed me to watch them die from being so foolish.

They wouldn't listen.

They couldn't see their folly.

They let their closed minds end them

while I lived on with the memory.

I had no impact.

They went along their own way because they thought they knew best

when they really, really didn't.

It's emotionally sorrowful

to fail at something you care so desperately about.

To see your words, your time, your caring

not have any affect, because you went about it the wrong way- though thoroughly sincere.

I watch what I say. I keep it shut so much.

One side will wait the day away

the other wants you to just realize.

I work well alone- until I am desperate.

Onto the edge, I need guidance, I need understanding.

What am I missing?

You are not the first.

You won't be the last.

Open your eyes.

This is how selfishness sneaks in-

it steals the joy away.

I try to smile today.

The tooth fairy

taught kids that they could give away their body for money.

I blame her for prostitution.

Bedtime can be FUN!

Some of the best conversations with my chica friends have been as we were settling down to sleep.

There is a special bonding that happens when it gets late.

A new kind of openness.

Slumber parties are simply glorious to the young girl.

(Although, my parents have always said that nothing good happens after midnight- I'm guessing they are referring to being alone with a boy or being bored with rebellious friends who like to TP houses or snort cocaine- either way, thanks for the advice, parentals!).

Hotels can be especially fun.

Everyone is on common ground- there is no hostess- all are guests.

And hello, having 2 queen-sized beds that close together? There is bound to be some jumping around

and possibly pillow fights.

Pleh- but what I'm REALLY trying to get at is- the other night, I woke up randomly.

Why did I wake up, you ask?

Well,

I was laughing.

Yes- I was laughing in my sleep and I woke myself up.

As I came to consciousness, I continued laughing awhile.

What a pleasant way to wake up.

I wonder what was so amusing...

I'd like to own a mansion someday...

so I could fill it with orphans.

Honestly, the "MTV cribs" and "Fabulous Life Of..." shows make me sick and frustrated.

These people have so much money-

so they buy nasty big mansions,

have 7 cars,

have a plasma flat screen in every room (including the bathroom),

have their own personal movie theatres

and outdoor kitchens.

Do you really need all of that?

Why do you need 9 bedrooms and 6 baths?

Does anyone use them on a regular basis?

Couldn't you live a bit more modestly and use your excess money to

help a dying soul?

A perishing body?

A crushed spirit?

A victim of unfortunate circumstances?

Save up. Spend down.

Stop turning the blind eye- the world is more than you and that disgusting money you squander.

I wore no shoes today

as part of "No Shoes for a Day" put on by Tom's shoes.

The point was to raise awareness:

*Many people around the world cannot afford to buy shoes for their children to wear.

*Some schools will not allow children to attend school if they don't wear shoes.

*Cuts and sores on feet can lead to serious infection.

Being barefoot for about 95% of the day (dining areas caught me and asked me to put on shoes) made me think:

*It is noticeable that I am not wearing shoes and that I am different.

*I have to watch where I am walking to avoid objects that may hurt my feet (like the broken glass I almost tread on).

*I've come to realize that different floors are different temperatures (the floors coming out of the library are oddly warm).

*My feet were cold all day, and therefore my entire body felt a bit cold all day.

My feet are now:

dirty

sore (kinda prickly feeling)

calloused

itchy

and peeling a bit.

I must say, being barefoot was fun for a little bit:

almost like running around outside naked (for a straightedge like me).

But after awhile, my feet hurt. They stung. They felt dirty.

I had to consider where I could go that would allow soiled, bare feet.

Kids deserve more.

Consider giving your time, money, and/or energy to a good cause for kids-

especially in developing nations:

they can't do it all on their own.

I've always put off

that I think giving flowers is kind of ridiculous.

I mean...flowers die.

And you either pay money for them

or rob your garden of its beauty.

They are a plant that comes out of the ground,

that has a particular smell,

and for some reason-

girls flutter over receiving them.

But, I must admit,

when I get them

I have a hard time denying that I feel special-

especially when they are unexpected!

Sniff. Drink it in. Smile.

Greet the day with a light heart.

I want to live my life

in radical obedience

and radical disobedience

all at the same time.

How do I balance that?

I enjoy journeying outside of the box,

and also love the box for all it's reasons and worth.

I dilly dally.

I sputter.

I reason.

I forget.

I giggle.

Life is such a joke-

a joke you couldn't pay me to take more seriously.

Where do the edges meet?

Cookie cutters keep it crispy-

I want the doughy.

Give me the doughy!

Another family get together.

Another better part of the day spent entertaining younger cousins.

As I was chasing them around on a tiny bike,

letting them chase me,

blowing bubbles,

and climbing up and down the clubhouse slide,

I found myself laughing-

truly enjoying myself and our activities.

And as I soothed a wipeout boo-boo,

instructed them to be kind and use manners,

and held one as they ate,

I really began to understand how children are lovely and unique.

They need someone to care.

They need someone to share.

I love that they look up to me

and that I can be there for them.

Precious creations.

Crossroads of understanding.

I feel like I've come to a turning point.

One that I have been trying to find for some time now.

It feels good to finally feel that freedom!

I have not changed who I am,

I have freed who I am, from the inside.

I'm not even sure how it happened

but, praise God!

What now? What now.... :)