Though I have tried again and again

I cannot bring myself to like coffee.

And truly, I also do not wish to like it.

The only thing I find bearable is a french vanilla cappuccino....and I hear that's the baby stuff.

It just boggles my mind how many people are addicted to coffee:

They need it to wake up.

They need it to function throughout the day.

They get headaches or feel antsy without it.

Addicted.

I'm talking more than, I don't know, 3 a day.

And I $4 cup of coffee from Starbucks? I hear that's not even the best stuff out there.

Sure, many may think you look cool while you're ordering your tall non-fat something-or-other,

in your store that sells expensive mugs and koozies,

where people snuggle up in corners and pretend to write books on their laptops

while wearing their trendy shoes and stylish earth-tone scarves,

glancing through their thick-rimmed "nonconforming" glasses at the people around them

but being too cool to actually start a conversation,

but I think you look ridiculous.

You could be doing something better with your money or buying something less "substance abusey."

Man, I want a Red Bull.