What has been said:

and then I feel bad.

What is wrong with this picture?

I always end up feeling like the one to blame, and the words weren't even mine.

How does this happen?

Why do I run myself in circles?

I need to give myself a break.

Take a stand for who I am.

This world of mine has basically become yours

and I need to figure out how to right it again- without losing you.

Loved and smothered.

Needed, but running.

Who is watching out for me?

Though I have tried again and again

I cannot bring myself to like coffee.

And truly, I also do not wish to like it.

The only thing I find bearable is a french vanilla cappuccino....and I hear that's the baby stuff.

It just boggles my mind how many people are addicted to coffee:

They need it to wake up.

They need it to function throughout the day.

They get headaches or feel antsy without it.

Addicted.

I'm talking more than, I don't know, 3 a day.

And I $4 cup of coffee from Starbucks? I hear that's not even the best stuff out there.

Sure, many may think you look cool while you're ordering your tall non-fat something-or-other,

in your store that sells expensive mugs and koozies,

where people snuggle up in corners and pretend to write books on their laptops

while wearing their trendy shoes and stylish earth-tone scarves,

glancing through their thick-rimmed "nonconforming" glasses at the people around them

but being too cool to actually start a conversation,

but I think you look ridiculous.

You could be doing something better with your money or buying something less "substance abusey."

Man, I want a Red Bull.

Death has never really scared me.

Dying painfully? Yes- but being gone? No.

I look at the world as being a whole bunch of people in this moment. Eventually everyone that I know will be gone. And people will forget me- and that's OK.

I don't feel the need to leave behind something completely epic with my name plastered all over it, because you know what?:

I will just be a name.

But I'm here now and I want to spread my love and who I am to all that will accept it.

As far as having someone close to me die: it is always sad, but I've never lost myself in it.

There has always been a hope inside of me, a hope that continually whispers:

this is not the end.

I will someday meet my Grandfather and Step-Grandfather who I never met.

I will see my grandmother (licorice) who died of a rare cancer when I was 9.

I will see my grandmother (smiley) who died of Alzheimer's just a couple years back.

I will see the friend who died in the motorcycle accident.

The neighbor who was shot.

The church member who ended it himself.

The girl I've never met, but who I feel like I know her by her memory through her friend.

The neighbor who was slowly taken by the returning cancer.

Of the very few things I regret, I regret missing the funeral of my neighbor.

She was like another mother to me; but I was at school and the distance to the funeral was too far. I heard about how lovely the funeral was and all I could do was cry. I just wanted the chance to say goodbye- to see and realize that she wasn't physically here anymore. But God is holy and mighty, and has shown that she is well and in Heaven; Oh, His great gifts!

I have hope. I have a loving hope inside my heart that does not come from myself.

I need not fear, for the Lord is with me all the days of my life. (After that, I'll be chillin' with Him. Can I get a 'woop woop!')

I am more sensitive

than most people realize.

I can take things to heart, too often.

Sometimes it takes me saying the hurt out loud, but it dwells deep beneath the surface, and it is stronger than I can sense.

I care; I do.

These tears will show you.

In kindred spirits, I find those who

"There must be a strong sense of adventure in which 'we look directly and unflinchingly at our every weakness and flaw, straight down through layer after layer of cowardice and self-deception to the very heart of our intentionality...[and] even more terrifying: our beauty and magnificence, our potential to love and create and feel deeply.'"

I am lucky today

1. that all of my toes are still intact

2. that my feet are not sliced or punctured

3. that my blood was not sucked out

4. that I was not shot

5. that I was not attacked

6. that I am only slightly burnt.

Why?

I went creek-stomping with a friend today.

We went on a bike ride and found a bridge with a beautiful view.

We slid down underneath and climbed around.

We eventually took our shoes off and waded in the water for a good stretch.

I felt earthy. I felt mother nature run through my veins; it doesn't make sense unless you've been there, unless you've felt it.

So we had a genuine afternoon adventure.

And an adventure is not complete unless there is a bit of danger:

1. Snapping turtles.

2. Broken glass.

3. Tiny leeches.

4. I began singing and whistling when I heard other humans, for I feared they may think we were wildlife and shoot us.

5. We saw "big dog" paw prints.

6. I put sunscreen on my face, but I wanted color on my arms and legs. I am only slightly lobsteresque at this point.

But don't worry Mom,

nature camp prepared me.

And growing up in the country made it even better for reminiscence.

This adventure made a most quality Sunday afternoon, I must say.

Now to take our tiny treasures and guess at their origins...

.baby food bottle. jawbone. sole of an old children's shoe. tile-lookin button thinger.

Why are there days

when I feel like I cannot make decisions?

I feel I can't trust myself.

I worry too much of what others think,

so then I go to the other extreme and take hold of my life and live for myself. I take of a stance of sheer disobedience to my truly caring heart.

Then

I feel selfish.

And it continues to spiral downward.

Then, I just don't do anything.

As if I think standing still will keep me from hurting anyone else or myself.

And the spiral continues on...

until I find God again. And He fills me up.

My heart is longing. Where has He gone?

I miss my Love.

I miss my true heart.