So often, I try to turn over a new leaf.

Start anew.

I love change, but why?
Do I fear commitment?
Can I not handle what might be in store if I wait for more?

I'm a control freak.
"Let go and let God" is a feared mantra I keep far from me.
I keep turning over leaves,
expecting to find "IT"-
but what is the IT that I'm looking for?
Soon the entire forest will be uprooted with my searching,
my yearning,
my turning over and over again,
seeking contentment.
Seeking that next "high," that next bit of satisfaction in something-
anything.

I find myself blessed.
I find myself discontent.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
But fearfully I falter as I look for the next hand hold
to keep me upright, for fear I might fall.
I do not seek perfection, of myself, I demand it-
and that's not right.
I ache and I yearn to find peace in this night,
and to soothe those who cannot be soothed-

but I'm looking in a mirror. All around me mirrors.
I turn and there is nothing new.

Where did the real people go?

More and more, it seems

Some of the best had.

Years of friendship and a special love that was rare.

The amount of care mixed with caution to dare.

Now is pushed aside, blocked out from knowing,

slowing the hope that resides.

It has and does ache, but is moving to memory,

to look upon fondly,

however indelibly.

oo.de.lally

The joy of children

makes me feel like a kid.

I get this feeling of energy and excitement bubbling from within-

like the only reasonable thing to do in that moment is to join in

and keep that kid laughing!

I want to run around and kick my feet,

I want to shout gleefully about nothing at all,

I want to make a mess and not care,

I want cuddle with all the innocence of the world.

Giggles of delight are a sweet melody to my ears.

Bring on the chilluns.

Have you nothing better to do

than
to follow me,
to attend the place I work,
to send me emails,
to drop things off in my office space,
to meet so much with my boss,
to lurk when large events are over,
to try and make trouble,
to badger my best friend and her workspace - coworkers - establishment,
to just never

give

up?


You're stalking and it's unhealthy.
Seek peace somewhere else; settling things with me will not bring it.
I forgive you, but I will not be reconciled to you- there is a difference.

Go in peace.

Right?

I dreamt about you, and it was sublime.
It made a lot of memories rush back
and reminded me how I miss you.

I keep hoping and praying that things will end up right,
but thinking of it all makes my heart uptight.

...

If there's just one thing I know:
away from you just doesn't seem right.

New journal

I bought a new journal
leather bound, with snaps and a simple utensil.
I love it.
I hate it.

I love the way it looks, the way it feels in my hands.
I love the secure snaps that, when opened, give way to a sleek thought keeper.
The possibilities are endless.

I hate the first page.
I always hesitate.
What will this booklet become?
Will I be bound to write in each day, then guilt-ride myself when I miss a few?  I know I'll give up.
Will I doodle and surely enough, not be satisfied at the product?  My drawing skills are few.
Shall I divulge my deepest secrets and let it become a vulnerable lock-box to my dreams?  I fear to be found.

I want to write.
Write and not have to erase, to delete.
I want to go at the page with purpose and poise;
with grace that delivers that which is rare and...beautiful.
I want it to be mine.

Are my words worth a penny?  A thought?  A moment?
Considering the first page fills me with hate.
But I love my journal.
What will it become?  And what of me?

Write on.

Magic and tears.

Magic and tears, all mixed up in fears

of where life will lead on.

Just a moment, it seemed, I hold you close

with wisdom and sadness, respect what you chose

And now, no words may leave my lips

or texts from my fingertips.

I miss- 

and the begrudging morning does dawn.

Lord, lead into what You have.

You just never know

where life is going to take you.
Who will draw close to your heart and who won't.
Where the next step will be.
I have dreams- will they appear?

Some people always know what they want,
sometimes down to a tee.
Getting a job has opened my eyes to endless possibilities
as well as strengths and weaknesses within myself.

My mind gets cluttered-
I'm surrounded by noise and to-dos.
I miss feeling free.
I miss expression; deep reflections of the heart.
I want to escape; but I love and fear where I am.
In life. As a person. To whom and how I relate.

My life can take endless paths.
I can imagine different ones now.
How does one realize what they want?
What is best for myself, for the world?

Will I always keep dreaming, or will I start living?

.o, when did I get so old?.

How I did not forsee

this gradual onslaught of capacity in me

that's filling up, in what seemed like brevity?

But I know that's all wrong-

years have built this on,

like the slow composition of a beautiful song

that now, finally, longs to be sung.

And I had the audacity

to go and be brave and see

where the notes may fall.

Something gives me peace and hope through it all :)

Sweetness.

Close.

Warm.

Change.

Understanding.

Light.

Hope.

Joy.

A breath of fresh air, to me and my soul.

Sweetness.

Were we exactly where we were meant to be

underneath that Christmas tree...

Toca la guitarra

I never thought I'd really be a guitar girl.
I never thought I'd be leading a worship band.

Yet here I am.

                                                              God amazes me.

Hot Mess.

These words are best
to describe a life unsettled.

The past year has been one of the roughest of my life.
And things aren't completely as I wish them to be.
I'm ok- and I'm blessed,
but I feel I can never rest until I've got control.
And of what?
For what cause?
I'd like to make some time and think of it, take pause;
but I'm running ahead whilst standing still.
I've got to move soon or I fear to turn ill.

S.

Sitting on the bathroom floor
whispering your name to darkness
tears dropping all around
there's no consolation in this town.

Not really.
No one here knew you like I did.
And I can't rid myself of all the memories we had together (I'll keep them)
We said goodbye like we'd have forever... (mistakes, I hope not to repeat them)

You saw life as humorous and serious..
Serious you.
But then you'd break into song and dance-
and with a quick glance I'd give in to chance and prance with you.

You made life contagious-
your courage sprinkled our lives outrageous.

Thank you for your care.
Thank you for the deep talks.
Thank you for the long walks.
Thank you for always being you; unique and stunning you.

I kept the bracelet, I kept the movie.
I enjoyed the food, the fishing, the gaming, the dancing, romancing,
Climbing up the snow hill and taking you to choir,
In talks of growing up and faith, you always did inspire.
I learned a lot from you.  I'm shocked to see you're gone.
But in my heart and of those you love, you surely will live on.

Such a blessing in our lives, taken too soon.
I will miss you.

"There's one more angel in Heaven, there's one more star in the sky"

I think I'll

spin. 

Just spin and see where I land.

See if I'll be caught, or picked up, or giggled at or with.

Spin because so much is a blur in life anyway.

We're counting the days away.

And I couldn't tell you the way I wish it'd go.

God's painting with the roller;

I'm praying for the fine strokes.

When there are no words

I could say

that would be honest and make things better

or I could be honest and make things worse..

How much does one keep in?

It seems I just can't win.

I want to be all I can

but circumstances call for choices I don't want to be making.

And the past creeps in silently, filling me with dread-

is it all in my head?

Sometimes I think I care too much.

Then I'm convinced I'm heartless.

Decide for me? For you? For them?

LIFE IS NOT ABOUT BEING HAPPY.

I'm not sure how I do it.

I can want and wait at the same time.

Somethin' inside me tells me it's fate-

that if it's gonna happen, it won't be late.

Some think I lack ambition

but it just strive for such a different mission.

Some goals are all full of holes;

mine are in a whole new dimension.

Intention.

I intend to be the best person I can be.
Taking life as it comes, without regret,

my words indelibly marked in your mind-

I won't waste your time.

The potential is fabulous, but you gotta grab at this

cuz the next second I'm walking

Can't understand just talking

Won't stand around gawking.

But my feet are the ones to move.

Shall I skip? Leap? Retreat?

Right now I'm just standin' still.

Proverbially tip-toeing 'round the tulips

til these two lips can utter will.

I would gladly

take a little purrer on my chest for awhile.

.adorables.

It's hard to watch

other people struggle.

Especially when you know what's up

but there's a boundary you can't cross.

When you know how to make them smile;

You know what they want-

You can guess what they need-

but their relation to you is unhealthy,

so you must bow out and simply watch

the pain

the struggle

the brokenness

...such floundering.

And all I want to do is pick up the pieces and present them in a way that could bring healing.

My heart is still here.

I can feel my pulse.

It's there

it's there...

My heart breaks

with the most beautiful sound

of having been blessed

by you, with you, for you

sister~

It breaks to be away;

it breaks every day

and God just keeps building us stronger.

[How much longer til we see each other?]

And dare I go on?

I could sputter of our kinship until a new rising dawn-

but it wouldn't get anywhere.

We're so rare, and we care, and share until no words are left

then we're enraged at the felony as time commits theft.

Then we part, both feeling bereft.

So we curse the distance!

Bless the persistence.

Praise the existence.

God lies immanent in this friendship:

Tastier than a corn chip.

Funnier than a comic strip.

More epic than a film clip.

More adventure than a plane trip.

Love ya, sis :)