I was amazed

at the feeling.

The pain in my body sent my mind reeling.

Time was stealing away, and I,

I cried.

I didn't want to go in,

but in I went,

from the clinic to ER, I was sent.

The news, I did not resent.

For I was spent.

I needed aid,

and aid I received.

Needing help just to move

til the pain was relieved.

More to come in my life?

There sure could, was aggrieved.

It could be worse,

oh, the worser still.

Easy fix with a glass and a handful of pills.

Yes, I'm ill. But defiant-

aggravated for I'm reliant,

but my body's not yet over the hill.

Settlement.

And also

"There's a point in life

when you get tired of chasing everyone

and trying to fix everything,

but it's not giving up.

It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap."

So I'm letting go.

I'm tired of the circles, the cycles,

the mind games and all.

Mistrust, mistrust.

I've tried. I am the person that I am.

It runs deeper than the ocean, the good and the bad.

And the bad just keeps getting stirred up.

And I've had it.

Sometimes you just have to know when to move on.

And the number was up awhile ago.

Sheeewt, watch out.

No matter how you try:

I have gotten into poetry, of sorts.

But then my thoughts and emotions give me the retort:

I have no words for these things.

These things that bring my heart to a shuddering halt.

Assault.

Kicked, damaged and bruised.

But where is the news?

I don't want to be the designer of my own catastrophe.

All I want to do is all God has asked of me.

Yet my ears are filled with undulating cacophony.

My thoughts are droning.

On and on and on,

I can't find the words to undress the duress of the bully in my brain-

driving me insane-

this desire for more.

The desire of what?

But here, I refrain.

"We make choices

at a time when they are all possibility,

air and flight.

Years later,

we find ourselves exploring the walls surrounding us,

the hardened shape of choice." Russel

.terrifyingresponsibilityiholdinmyhandsalmostunknowingly.

Yes:

but I can't just sit and watch you waste away.

Your head telling you lies, spitting in your face today.

You won't go for help, you're throwing this grace away.

I can't drag you there.

But I am oh, so, close.

.to pieces.

surrender.

surrender.

Look at me now.

Just look at me now.

But what do you really see?

I have neared the point

of not wanting to sleep anymore.

My dreams are haunting me.

Reminding me of all I've missed.

Of what I want and don't want.

Of that with which I struggle and ponder too much.

They play with me; past, present, and future.

Messing with my fears and regrets.

It pressures and upsets

the equilibrium of my heart.

It is so worn down, worn out- my heart.

Like it wants a new start but it fears falling apart.

I don't want to sit and wait for the curtain to fall.

But I can't be the director, nor can I sit against the wall.

I do my best to suck it up and stand tall.

Reminding myself:

There is a season for everything.