I could really

go with a decoder about now.

What is up with me?

I'm supposed to be happy.

Carefree.

Lovely.

But all that is...just not present.

Why?

I cannot put my finger on it/them...

"And the world keeps spinnin, and I'm still livin..."

I have to do. I have to say it:

You only get so many days

so many breaths

so many minutes

where you are now.

And every good and bad thing that is happening could change.

You could never get it back, ever.

This moment, right now, is happening. Now.

Your life is a song,

a semblance of who you are, what you value, what you long for...

are you dancing?

Singing?

Throwing rotten tomatoes?

Crying at the sound, the noise?

Are you frozen in silence or cowering in the corner?

In any state: life is beckoning;

It's not going to wait for you.

It rambles on; it is relentless in its pursuit for tomorrow.

And I can taste the passion on my tongue.

I can feel the beating of my heart.

I feel the ache in my feet from staidness in my current predicament.

I want to move on, move forward-

but I can't bear the thought of departing from where I am now.

There is so much for me here, now.

And I am/have been/will waste my time.

My heart calls for something much more than the everyday.

I can't be throwing my days away.

But there are rules to follow and games to play-

but I simply don't want a part.

I want to tear apart the every day and breathe life and give my blessings away.

God, still my heart, for a moment, for I can't handle this passion that You've placed, burning inside of me.

Fill my days with opportunities.

Let me see what are the actual priorities.

Remind me to get on my knees and pray....

because I want to live, forever, in Your Way.

There is something about

fall and winter that gets me.

It gets me good.

It gets who I am and my heart and I simply want to hold onto these seasons because...they just get me.

They let me do as I wish:

snuggling up in blankets

sipping warm beverages

basking in the warm glow of soft lights

having an excellent excuse to stay in for the night

time to watch movies and read books

to write and organize and synthesize all the things I want to accomplish that long, sunny days will one day observe.

The fall and winter are restful seasons, to me.

They embrace my inner hermit that rarely gets to express itself.

Just my closest friends will see me. And my heart will wrap around theirs in a way that "stressed me" just can't relax enough to let happen. I can find my best self in these days.

My heart finds love in many forms during these seasons.

It is inspired in fresh ways during these seasons.

Those are good enough reasons to want them around

a little longer

I must say.

I'm loving today.

clomp clomp clomp clomp clomp...

After my 2-hour workout today, I realized that I have many recurring thoughts in the gym:

-Finally here. Sometimes it's a pain to get myself here, but I always feel so much better once I'm going!

-Who is this now on the machine next to me? Don't know them. OK. No need for pleasantries and small talk. Eye contact- just give a polite smile. Now, back to burning those calories!

-Wow. That girl is all schlumped over and trying way too hard on the elliptical.

-Just because those shorts/capris were manufactured to be worn during workouts does not mean you look good in them and should wear them. Props to you, however, for getting to the gym and caring for your body.

-OK- let's get through this reading from class.....what? Hm- homegirl next to me has loud music on. Annoying. Wait! I hear double-bass. Nice! Mmmm. I wonder who she's listening to...? Maybe I can figure it out. Or I could just ask her.....ah, concentrate!

-Gosh that guy is running really fast on the treadmill. Fast like, "if-he-got-a-cramp-his-face-would-be-treadburned" fast. I'm always afraid someone's going to biff it on a treadmill!

-AH! WHY do the weightlifters just BANG their weights down like that? We KNOW you are in here to do some heavy lifting, you don't have to drop or THROW DOWN the bar after every set to try and be impressive. I can handle your huffing and puffing, and even some of your grunting, but when you throw down your weights my heart skips 5 beats because it frightens me so! Have some control!

-Oh. Homegirl's now listening to new Avril Lavigne, I can tell. *disappointed*

-That person has been watching the news during their whole workout. Good for them! I wish I could take that much interest....but here I am watching "Clueless." I wonder how many people have noticed this and are judging me... Meh.

-The sun sure does shift fast. When I started it was fine but now it's shining in my eyes. Maybe if I bend awkwardly like this for a few minutes it will get better.

-Funniest Home Videos! Major improvement! "HAHAAA!" Oh man, I just laughed really loudly. Ah, what the hey! Maybe people won't be so annoyed with me as entertained at my joy. This show is too good!

-That person must have gotten here a long time ago to have accumulated that much sweat on their back! Wow!

-That old lady really isn't using the machine correctly....I mean, she's giving it her all but that's not good technique. Oh well, love the white tennies :)

My mind is never bored :)

I was scared. But:

I've been thinking much about ministry-

to be specific, what ministry I will do when I begin the next chapter of my life.

The world is so vast, and the problems, many;

heartbreak and sorrow around every corner,

all are

desperate for light;

desperate for air;

desperate for hope and love.

-

I want to speak to that.

I want to move in the lives of people with the spirit that only God can give me.

The only problem is: I've had a Moses complex.

Moses was called to do awesome things,

but he didn't believe in himself.

He saw the task as too big.

He thought no one would listen to him.

He didn't think he was a good speaker.

He gave God EVERY reason why he SHOULDN'T be the one for the job.

But God provided.

God provided words and signs to give Moses confidence in his message.

No, said Moses. I'm not good enough. I can't even speak. Send someone else.

And God brought Aaron into the ministry of Moses- to join with Moses.

Where one was weak the other was strong.

They built each other up.

A dynamic duo.

I believe I've found my Aaron. :)

I can't thank God enough.!

The future makes much more sense now and I know, as a team, we can move mountains with God.

^"1 After this the Lord appointed seventy-two^[a] others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go. ² He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field. ³ Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves." Luke 10:1-3

Not our will, but God's be done.

.bring it.

I am simply capable

of the best and worst things.

I often run to new surroundings

tricking myself into believing that I won't hurt again.

But the past comes back.

Comes to the forefront.

You were never gone and I've not forgot.

I refuse to think that I dwell there,

in the past,

but who can help it when their mind just won't stop screaming, "WHAT IF? WHAT IF?!"

I can't escape my thoughts.

Whether they are beating me over the head or slinking in unnoticed,

they always get the best of me.

Restraining the rest of me.

Is this my destiny?

To constantly find myself stock-still

because the intuition of my cognition is stuck on an earlier edition?

God, rescue me.

Precipice.

I refuse

to give up hope on humanity.

Surrounded by constant calamity-

always dealing with the next tragedy:

this isn't the end of me.

This isn't how we're supposed to be.

Broken, hopeless, lives a constant struggle and messy.

Impress upon me, Lord, your love of thee.

Be all that You will be in me

that I might shine with a light so divine

to pierce those dark corners of the world,

giving the hopeless more time.

A glimmer.

That's all I need.

It's all I need to know that You're there.

That You're here.

That You care.

That my heart breaking is an extension of Yours.

That I'm not simply weak, but connected with You as You suffer when looking upon this world.

Broken, twisted, yearning, depraved.

You still love.

You still care.

You'll pull us out of this, somehow

somewhere.

I need You.

The cello:

a song was never sung so sweet.

A lullaby that soothes and makes the heart weep.

The sad, strong strokes provoke one to relive words once spoke.

Reminding of the lonely spaces in our hearts,

those once forgotten parts...

Grace with sorrow, finding solitude in its resilience.

Derelict of its brilliance.

It's wisdom, far beyond my years.

Just tales of old to it are my present fears.

The only fit duet,

would be to silently step-

tiptoe with fervor as a dancer with grace

and angst, limbs extending, each leaving a trace

of the hurt, of the pain, of the love that did sting-

deep breath at the core; let the emotions wring.

The heart is the only necessity.

The sole ingredient of the recipe.

Slow realizing destiny,

is my well-weathered friend.

I will wander

through the lovely woods,

find myself a nice little spot,

and search for God.

I need Him to hear me.

I'm desperate to hear Him.

.beloved.

There are a few,

a select few,

whom I appreciate dearly. With my life.

Those very select few who don't allow me to keep asking them how are you doing?

What have you been up to?

How did that go?

What did you think about that?

They make me stop.

They turn me around.

And they ask how I am doing.

And they really care. They really want to hear.

They pray over me in good times and bad.

Those are the people I rest in.

The people who I know really care.

I love so many people. And I'm curious about so many people.

But those few who bring it back help me keep going every day.

They do not expect me to be anybody but myself.

They do not expect me to maintain a strong front.

I am broken with thankfulness.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

<3 humbledandgrateful.

A picture is worth a thousand words

I constantly wish to explain my thousand.

Words.

Words have power.

Words give something and let you have something within the hour.

Words give you description, explanation, setting, and all.

But what you take from words is where the meaningfulness falls.

Words on a page can give me the setting

but my imagination soars, it's the picture that I'M getting.

Yes the imagination, but ah, my heart:

I can let a poem bring me to my knees

or feel a quotation make life like a breeze.

In seconds, words can change who you are.

Molding the heart, helping you see that star.

We're not so far apart, myself and the world,

a few simple sentences can help heal the hurt,

make others feel like dirt,

let off a vibe and flirt,

lose control and blurt,

in an awkward moment, divert,

or with power, exert.

Words affect change.

And I want change for the better.

Words that impact won't keep me a forgetter.

Change the world by changing your words.

What are you saying?

And is it worth being heard?

Fall;

makes me think of cripsness

of excellent music, such distinctness.

My heart falling every time to a tune so serene

my heart can't help but lean into love all around me.

It surrounds me.

I sway to the tune

sometimes, too far, henceforth I swoon.

This music wraps me up in its melody.

I can't breathe any bad for the life of me.

The beat of the drum brings out the free in me.

I spin and I turn; I must move my feet.

I can't be complete without this motion that lets my heart flee my body.

.the drudgery of everyday wears away with the songs we play.

I was amazed

at the feeling.

The pain in my body sent my mind reeling.

Time was stealing away, and I,

I cried.

I didn't want to go in,

but in I went,

from the clinic to ER, I was sent.

The news, I did not resent.

For I was spent.

I needed aid,

and aid I received.

Needing help just to move

til the pain was relieved.

More to come in my life?

There sure could, was aggrieved.

It could be worse,

oh, the worser still.

Easy fix with a glass and a handful of pills.

Yes, I'm ill. But defiant-

aggravated for I'm reliant,

but my body's not yet over the hill.

Settlement.

And also

"There's a point in life

when you get tired of chasing everyone

and trying to fix everything,

but it's not giving up.

It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap."

So I'm letting go.

I'm tired of the circles, the cycles,

the mind games and all.

Mistrust, mistrust.

I've tried. I am the person that I am.

It runs deeper than the ocean, the good and the bad.

And the bad just keeps getting stirred up.

And I've had it.

Sometimes you just have to know when to move on.

And the number was up awhile ago.

Sheeewt, watch out.

No matter how you try:

I have gotten into poetry, of sorts.

But then my thoughts and emotions give me the retort:

I have no words for these things.

These things that bring my heart to a shuddering halt.

Assault.

Kicked, damaged and bruised.

But where is the news?

I don't want to be the designer of my own catastrophe.

All I want to do is all God has asked of me.

Yet my ears are filled with undulating cacophony.

My thoughts are droning.

On and on and on,

I can't find the words to undress the duress of the bully in my brain-

driving me insane-

this desire for more.

The desire of what?

But here, I refrain.

"We make choices

at a time when they are all possibility,

air and flight.

Years later,

we find ourselves exploring the walls surrounding us,

the hardened shape of choice." Russel

.terrifyingresponsibilityiholdinmyhandsalmostunknowingly.

Yes:

but I can't just sit and watch you waste away.

Your head telling you lies, spitting in your face today.

You won't go for help, you're throwing this grace away.

I can't drag you there.

But I am oh, so, close.

.to pieces.

surrender.

surrender.

Look at me now.

Just look at me now.

But what do you really see?

I have neared the point

of not wanting to sleep anymore.

My dreams are haunting me.

Reminding me of all I've missed.

Of what I want and don't want.

Of that with which I struggle and ponder too much.

They play with me; past, present, and future.

Messing with my fears and regrets.

It pressures and upsets

the equilibrium of my heart.

It is so worn down, worn out- my heart.

Like it wants a new start but it fears falling apart.

I don't want to sit and wait for the curtain to fall.

But I can't be the director, nor can I sit against the wall.

I do my best to suck it up and stand tall.

Reminding myself:

There is a season for everything.

A different lens,

a different perspective;

that is what we have- no matter how hard we try.

All words and actions are misdirected,

or so it seems, to the untrained eye.

We want to be us, we don't need perfection; such a goal would lead us to cry.

We're still friends, no matter intentions, and God... sometimes we still wonder why.

.saveusfromourselves.

I said what I meant

and I meant what I said

and that is where the story ends.

Here we go, battle with self.

The more I conquer fear

the more unstoppable I feel.

"With great power comes great responsibility. "

I want to channel this with love.

GOD; harness this passion

into

out of

through

with

because of

l.o.v.e.

I must

It's time to do life with perspective.

Things make more sense.

It's no more peachy,

but it's that more real.

Let's kick it, baby.

I feel

that I have become a burden.

I am a puzzle piece that no longer fits.

A black sheep in the mix of the static.

I'm forced to tip toe around silently;

and you won't hear me.

Your ears have closed.

Your eyes look away.

You shudder at a touch.

I am foreign to you.

You are foreign to me.

The disconnect is ugly; I fear it.

But I can only be me. And you're only being you.

This pain is growing me from the inside;

and who am I to accept the good from God

and not the bad?

And it's not my fault.

it's not my fault.

it's not my fault.

But it does nearly make me sick.

"Fully alive,

more than most, ready to smile

and love life."

You pulled through.

God watched over you.

God helped me quite a bit too,

during the time when nobody knew.

You're headed home for a couple of days

getting back on track might be quite the maze

I'm glad tough moments, for you, were a haze

I've got back my sister, to God: my praise.

I can't go more than a few minutes

without thinking about you.
I am so worried, I am so afraid.

I am purely terrified.

I've seen the pain,
the laboring breaths,
the strength to put on a smile.
The stoic face put on when they run another test.
You're exhausted.
Your body does what little it can,
and the doctors do the rest.

I've been cut off from you.
No visitors. Sedation.
What I wouldn't give for a text.
To get a call and hear you speak.
To know you're going to be OK.

I want to be with you.
I want to be there for you.
I want to be holding your hand through every procedure and every moment you're given news.
I miss you and I need you.
I need you to get better.

Fight the good fight. You're such a champ. I love you so, so much.

Oh God.

Show me what that means.
Guide me.
Direct me.
Love me.
Fill me with Your Spirit.
"Help me spread Your fragrance wherever I go."

Well, there it goes.

Flippity floppity.
My stomach is not used to this sensation.
Vulnerability in this form is so rare for me.

I sit. I wait. I contemplate and let it go and think and pray that life will continue, no matter how slow.
Who knows the response?
I shudder to think. But I can't live life constantly on the brink.

It's been a long time coming, friend.

God has sent me

an angel from above.

With listening ears,

an encouraging spirit,

an inquisitive mind,

restful and rejuvenating arms,

a playful, understanding, wacky, accepting & caring, beautiful being.

The love overflows, in no time at all.

Meeting, it seems, just when we needed each other most.

And when those needs are met and gone,

we'll both still be here.

I know it :)

God resides.

Late night chats

over the telephone.

Sleepy giggles
over goofy memories.
Teasing, a pastime and a presentime.
Inside jokes, savored to a tee.
Hours pass and feel like minutes.

These are the moments.

Talking with someone who's known you since the beginning of this stage of life.
Taking the time to look deep.
To know you; caring.

And you get them.
And they get you.

Oh, the things we've been through.
Here's to you :)

Ideas come and go.

Thoughts fly about.
Imagination plays and flutters in and out.
Some thoughts grasp your heart
making them harder to let go.

But just wait.

There's soon another around the corner, replacing the one that hurt but is fading.

Some light bulbs are best cracked and not replaced.

Others will shine again.

Who's to say which is which?
.and I continue on.

Throw your hands up in the air

and just surrender.
We can't always be strong.
We can't always know what should come next.
We don't always have control.

Don't hold on.
Let go.
Let live.
Live your life.
Let the pieces fall where they may.

I have no hand in this.
Except with which to pick up the pieces.

With and without a thought and a care
.I continue on.

If I were...

If I were a month, I'd be November.

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Friday.
If I were a time of day, I'd be 7:56 pm.
If I were a planet, I would be Venus.
If I were a sea animal, I'd be a scared to death.
If I were a direction, I'd be everywhere.

If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a comfy chair and a half.
If I were a liquid, I'd be a white chocolate caramel cocoa.
If I were a gemstone, I would be an emerald.
If I were a tree, I would be a Japanese maple.
If I were a tool, I'd be a crescent wrench.
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be crisp, windless and partly sunny.

If I were a color, I'd be crayon green.
If I were an emotion, I'd be inspired, ambivalent, or yearning.
If I were a fruit, I'd be a banana.
If I was a sound, I'd be purring.
If I were an element, I would be adamantium. ;)
If I were a car, I'd be a 1969 VW Bug.
If I were a food, I'd be banana creme pie.

If I were a material, I'd be sugar.
If I were a taste, I'd be delectably sweet.
If I were a scent, I'd be a warm, vanilla-y smell.
If I were an object, I'd be a jacket.
If I were a body part, I'd be the vocal chords.
If I were a facial expression, I'd be laughter.
If I were a song, I would be (do you really think I could mush myself into one song? Shewt.)

What would you be?

(Credit to Ms. Lind for the idea for this)

Oh hey, I'm back.

Europe was classy.

Made me think America is a bit lame (but I won't complain too much).

Made me wish I liked tea (but I won't force myself).

Made me yearn to travel further (but I only have so much time and money).

Made me learn more about myself (boy, am I complicated).

Made me feel special (though most won't hear it).

I liked it all over again.

I feel a bit disoriented here now.

I wish to travel more,

to continue the disorientation,

to continue the journey of culture and lifestyle.

I want it.

Can I have it?

But what do you say?

And what will I do?

Frozen in motion.

An odd predicament.

It's time to

I'm leaving to spend a month in Europe.

I will be singing in several different countries.

I will be traveling with many fantastic people that I care for so much.

I can only imagine the fun, adventure, bonding, and pondering to come.

I love plane rides.

I love bus rides.

I love going to new places.

I love trying new things (for the most part).

Haha- I am just so thrilled!

Blog when I get back :)

I often float too much.

I'm an optimistic realist when I fight off my idealist.

I may coat my words with sarcasm at times

or pester to pure obnoxiousness,

but when it comes down to it

I love so deeply it pains me.

I float so high that the air gets thin

I lack secular oxygen and my head begins to spin

I'm in pure oblivion to reality

all I see is what can be

and my heart explodes at the uncertainty of it coming to pass in my vicinity.

Global unity!

My mind can't comprehend the possibilities!

One world, one love, one family.

Instead we live in incongruity.

We hurt a brother, sister, or mother to get ahead with disgusting fluidity.

We reach for a dream that borders on selfish stupidity.

We make choices that encourage and promote inhumane cruelty.

In relation to our God we sleep around with unconcerned infidelity.

We're in hell, you see?

Shall we continue like this?

Is it our duty?

Or shall we turn the tides and reject all of which is expected?

There is more beyond the clothes, the hair, the money and the Book,

a new way of living that screams from the inside, if we'd take a look-

reminding our hearts of what is good, and real, and true-

there is much to ponder, and even more to do.

.studyingtranscendentalism.

.poemforclass.

.andilikeit.

Just so you know:

I'm not completely sure why.

Maybe it's because my family took a lot of trips when I was younger.

Maybe it's because I've gone on mission trips.

Maybe it's because I enjoy getting away.

Or maybe it's because I'm always searching.

I couldn't quite tell you for what,

but my heart is ever expectant when I travel.

I can't stop doing it.

I love moving- I love settling myself in new places.

I love feeling as if I don't quite belong, and pretending as if I always have.

I love breathing the air of an unfamiliar place.

I love carrying my possessions in a compact carry-along.

I love the rush of airports and busy streets.

Surrounded by new people,

new desires,

new struggles,

new heartbreaks,

new love and laughter,

new inspiration.

And I'm never so alone.

And I'm never found at home.

I feel perpetually unsettled.

and I think that's how it should be.

Ever since I was young

I have tried to imagine what it would be like to be homeless.

I've....kind of wanted to try it.

Sound crazy yet?

To voluntarily be homeless would be an adventure:

*Your life wouldn't be ruled by money

*you wouldn't be bound by a house or job

*you would consume (in all senses) so much less

*you would be so much more in tune with your surroundings and nature

*you would live every day with a certain hope and trust that you will be provided for

*you could go a lot of places, and in your own time

*you'd have to be clever, using what you've got and what you find

*you would appreciate all that you do have

*you would be, in some ways, free.

I do not wish to belittle those who are homeless or who struggle to get by-

and I hope my words are not taken as insensitive or completely ignorant:

obviously I have never truly been without a place to reside and cannot fully understand what it is like.

But I do wonder, I do consider other ways of living.

In the book "Asphalt Jesus" by Eric Elnes, he meets "Mark Creek-Water,"

a "voluntarily houseless, not homeless," man.

He drinks water from creeks, bathes in creeks, find shoes or clothing on the side of the road (or buys secondhand), walks everywhere, sleeps outdoors, shares whatever he does receive, and seems to be one of the happiest men that Elnes has encountered.

Mark's cares are vital (e.g. Where am I going to get food? Where am I going to sleep?), but they are few.

Few cares.

Doesn't that sound nice?

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy.

Or maybe I'm sick of buying into wanting the "American Dream" like so many dream about.

I want to live simply and fully.

In Walden, a book that tells the tale of Henry David Thoreau going into the woods to live life straight from nature, he states:

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die discover that I had not lived."

I hear you Henry, I hear you.

There's so much

that I feel I may not be getting right as of late.

My life is a bit messy.

Things, a bit tangled.

But there is beauty in it.

I can't just give up.

There is beauty.

Without really having a better way to explain it..

my heart is soft right now.

It's delicate and engaging, flurried but expectant.

I am reaching up, reaching out.

My fingertips search to the hidden corners of life

searching for sustenance and finding overwhelming grace.

I am broken,

beautiful,

bewildered,

and blessed;

and right now- I'll take it.

With my ladies, we spell it out:

Get it straight.

Don't play.

It's these kind of days that

I'm getting away for the weekend.

Back to old friends

to some that have known me since before preschool.

I need to mingle with those who have helped shape who I am today

I want to let them know how I am growing and changing

I want them to know what I'm struggling with

I want to know who they are becoming and how I can still be a sincere and loving part of that.

I miss them.

I miss people who I understand and who understand me and have so much respect shown all around.

So it's off to Lessdramaland :)

Praise. God.