I have found

that when the family gets together for the holidays,
I am the gap between adult and child.
I almost feel as though I need to choose which role to play.

And the kids always win.

My spirit is hurt if the adults find it silly-
but they are glad the actual chilluns are amused and not bothering them.

Is this how the world should work??
Should we have to choose?
Should children be an annoyance,
or brighten our lives?

Let's all take our shoes off and slide across the kitchen floor.

Where has our sense of adventure gone?

Don't be scared of the mystery.

The mystery of women.
We are complex creatures, no doubt- but we were created that way. It's part of what makes us so beautiful.

Though we may be complex, all women have one longing, one desire inside their hearts. We have a Question.

That Question is:

Am I lovely?

All women were created to be feminine of heart; we want to be lovely, beautiful, desired, be worthy of love. We want to be fought for, to be pursued and respected and treated like a princess.

But so many are lost along the way.
Why is this?
It can happen at different points in life.

A girl begins with her relationship with her father. She shows off her little Sunday school dress and wants to know if she is lovely. It is ingrained in her. If she does not get the positive attention she needs, it will hurt.

Later in life, women go to men to have their Question answered. Many fragile hearts of women have been trampled as a result of this. "You're ugly." "You're fat." "You're stupid." "You're not enough." Or, if they are accepted, they will hinge their beauty on that relationship. They do not know of their loveliness apart from that person. It has the potential to rip their feminine heart apart.

Women put themselves through emotional Hell because of their Question.
Because they take it to the wrong person.

Their Question should be directed at God.

"I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful" Bethany Dillon "Beautiful"

"Am I lovely?"

"The King is enthralled by your beauty" Psalm 45:11

God created you in His image! He looks upon you as a fair maiden, worthy of His love that He wants so strongly to give you!

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her" Hosea 2:14

God wants you to come to HIM with your Question. He will set your heart on fire and free, all at the same time.

(This post is based on the book, "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge. ALL WOMEN SHOULD READ THIS BOOK. There is a book for men as well called "Wild at Heart" that discusses the Question in all men's hearts. Go get these books!)

You talk about all the same things.

And I don't really dig those things anymore.
And, well, you ARE those things.

rift.

Well whaddaya know?
Did I get your back up?
I apologize if I did.


I'm still learning
every day.

Fashion is exciting.

But really, who wears this?

The human body can be the canvas for art.
The human body is art.
Make up, jewelry, clothes, hair...

Love to look.

Attention Family:

Christmas break is coming up.
I want you all to prepare yourselves for some feisty games of Scrabble.

Brother- Reminder: It's just a game.
Mom- prepare to calm the brother. And sporadically laugh insanely (I'll have my video phone ready).
Dad- Please refrain from using words like "ARF," "BOO" and "UGH" (and by refrain I mean totally go for it).

We might also pull out Sorry or Monopoly.
Prepare for your loved ones to lie about being sorry for you,
and know that table talk and deals will be plentiful (there are faster ways of making $200 than by just going past "Go").

These are some ways we connect.
Can we create some new ones too?
Love you.

And don't forget to bring it.

What do we do with the time?

What do we do with the memories?
Time flies by.
We're just a glimpse.
I glimpse of self-proclaimed glory.

We are nothing but static.

But we are everything.
This life is one of which one can certainly not be certain.
To grasp the concept is to be completely befuddled by it.

What is this, compared to all that?
I remember your face.
I remember this place.
The smell lingers and I recall.
But the walls have changed.
All has been rearranged.

Home? Call me quickly.
For even life is declared deadly.

What am I to say?

I stand within a moment of time.
My breath only lingers-
my vocal chords only hint at the depth of my soul.
Can you read me?

Tell me a story- I'll sing it back to you.

And we'll continually fall
through these moments in time.

What if it's the last?
What if it won't last?

To cling or separate.
To cling or separate..

"Immanuel (The Redeemer)" by For Today

You’re not alone, my son. I made you for so much more than this. Don’t be afraid, my child, for I have overcome the world. Go tell the world that I would die for them to know me. And I would die for them to live. And this is life: that they would know you, God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.

This is life, child. I’ll give you everything. And you can stand tall for there is life in me. Now, let the blood I shed be just enough for you to know that you will always have a home with me--no, you will not be abandoned.

All hell will not stand against us, for only those who choose to die will claim the life I have for them.

So now the question stands: Would you die for me?

Can you hear it? Can you hear my voice? I’ve been calling you since the day you were born, to come home to the place I’ve prepared for you. You’re not alone.

Blogs are supposed to be a release, but

I must remind myself that, for the sake of art, I mustn't feel held back.
I must write what I must.

No excuses.
No excuses.

My hair.

It lengthens.
This excites me.
I chopped it off oh, so, long ago
and it is returning!

I love to play with, to spin, to twirl, to straighten, to pull back, to blow dry, to throw around:
my hair.


Toss over the shoulder.
Oh, the sexy.

It's good to know

that you're still you;
still as ambitious and silly as ever.

It's comforting to know
that we can still talk.

So much has changed, but then again
not really.

"I've seen the best and worst of you
But we're sticking through
Because without all of the ups and downs
We've been through
You know that its true
That I could really get sick and tired of you. :P

Sorry about the mess
But when we team up, team up,
We always seem to bring this place to the ground."

Don't judge what you don't know.

Your minds are shallow;
I did not expect that.
You spoke badly of my background without even realizing the insult you were dishing out.

Shut your mouths.
Open your minds, your hearts.

You assume.

And you know what that does.

Think back:

It felt like the wind rushing through your hair.
Your feet running away- to the direction of your heart.
It felt like a rhythm playing in your head that could not be dismissed.
It was the smile you flashed as you danced.
You had no inhibitions.
The baggage flew off.

You lived.
You were free.

The world was your burrito.

And we loved.
We are called to love.
We are free to love-
without an agenda.

Call me crazy, but I love you.
I love you with every ounce of my being.

Fearless; the window that calls me outward.
I follow with graceful footsteps;
so silent, but so raucous, it musn't be ignored.

I follow. I follow freely.
I inspire for the source of it.

It's a shame you don't have to explain or defend yourself.

You want my opinion.
I give it.
It's too "stream of conciousness" for you.

Well that is me.

Would you rather hear my opinion
or have me tell you, like a robot, what you're expecting to hear?

You love to hear yourself talk.
You think you are God's gift to the subject.

You can shove it.

(Btw- I do enjoy your class. It's an issue.)

Was it worth it?

Did watching your football team make you feel more joyful, more complete, more loved?

I'm here.
For awhile.
Why don't you take the time?
I'm here.
For awhile.
You sit in the front of the TV as if it is the center of your universe.

I live, I breathe, I give, I receive- technology does not.
You want to relax after a hard day's work?-
Well, I want to be loved and appreciated when I come to visit.

Now, I love you. But do you know that? Do you take the time to see?
Can I make a little dent in your daily routine?

Please understand that there will come a day that I won't be able to visit.
When my life is so busy and wrapped up in work and my family that I will be a bit tied down.
You will miss me then.
You will miss me then.

Make your time worth it now.
Make the most of every minute- don't you see?

Let's go!

Life, this world, may be broken, but we can still enjoy it.
You, me, them, us.
Let's live this thing together.
Let's flourish.

Grab hold and rush into the wind.
Close your eyes only for a moment;
you don't want to miss this.

walkabout. runabout. rushabout. danceabout. singabout. talkabout. knowabout. thinkabout.
What can be.

We never had it this good;
we never had it this bad.

I fear you're growing up.

I fear you're losing yourself;
your sense of adventure.
Where are the silly jokes?
The jabs at my personality?

I don't want you to be a suit.

Responsibility and work can be cool, no lies-
but don't get lost in the rush.

You are more than your occupation. And I love you.

There is something

so graceful about basketball that sets it apart.
Players dance together; a passionate twisting of limbs.
Each dribbling, spinning, picking, rolling for success.
There is a confidence, a prowess, to a man's body when playing basketball to which no other sport can quite compare.

You can tell a lot about a man when he plays basketball.
How does his treat the ref? His team? The coaches? The guy he accidentally knocked down?

The guy who knocked him down?

Basketball is so telling.
Does any other male sport contain such potential for beauty of body and character?

Game on.

I don't care how bad things get.

Self-injury is never the way.
It does not solve anything.
You are better than that.
Please don't run to the wrong things.

Yes, there are times when everything seems to fail;
that light at the end of the tunnel seems to be lost,
words will never heal the hurt you feel,
you feel the need to curl up to keep yourself from falling apart.
The idea seems like a beautiful release.

But it is not.

Things will get better.
I promise.
These days come and go.
You are worth so much more than that.
You are not alone.

Lay down the weapons of your imagination;
don't touch the beautiful skin the Lord placed your spirit in-
He resides within your soul, your body, your temple.
Glorify Him. Talk to Him. He cries with you.

"There will be an end to this trouble, but until that day comes-
still I will praise You- still I will praise You!"

Don't hold me back.

I want something new.
Something exciting.
I want to sink my teeth in and savor all life can give to me.
And when I feel that joy-
that inner joy that only God's peace and crazy unconditional love can bring-
I know I've hit the jackpot:
inspire and be inspired.
To truly put it into words would make it too attainable. It's a fire within my heart. I own it.
It owns me. I must live it or it may destroy me.

I desire the fire, the joy, the peace, the love.


So I put on my adventure goggles.

You can't touch this.

We can't deny it.

So how much do I share?

You don't dig deep.

You dig under nails.
Find what it is you hate about me.
Find it.
Release it.
You're not going to hurt me.
Last was last.

No more terrorizing. You can be OK.

Civil. Civil. Will you be? You can be OK.
We can be civil. Open up.
Stop corrupt.

Everyone agrees,

including yourself, that you are a drama queen.

But when it comes to acknowledging your true feelings,
you fail miserably.

And I pity you.

But not to the extent that I will allow you to hurt me again.
We're over.

Always interesting.

You never cease to be intriguing.
The reluctant smile, the deep-hearted laugh.
You are strange. We get along well.
I miss the times we spent together.
You treated me so well;

I just didn't know.

Hey you.

Do you see it?
My heart has been pinned to my clothing.
I put it there.
All nice and vulnerable-like.

Please address it, won't you?

You confuse my emotions.
It's your turn.
It's your turn.
.Take it.

You love me.

I am precious in Your sight.
You hold me in Your hand.
You know my heart.
You know me better than I do.
You crave time with me.

Your heart breaks when I am sad
and You smile when I am happy.
You laugh when I am silly,
taking joy in my every giggle.

You adore me.
How can I ignore that?
You are what I want.
You are what I need.

Teach me how best to love You.
Teach me how to read Your Word.
Teach me.

Love.

...

but why is the rum gone?

Still alive, more than realized.

People come and people go. It is hard to let go, but it's all a part of life. Of LIFE. Life does not have to end.

Grasp onto this, friend.
We'll be here til the end.

The end which is never,
we'll keep it together.

We are never-ending.

TWLOHA.

You are not alone.
You are never alone.

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

Remember your precious heart. Remember all that is beautiful and good.
The hope never left- today is just a day that will pass away.
You are better than this.
You are stronger than this.
NEVER hurt yourself. You are worth so much more.
God loves you, it makes me cry when
you question why.

God IS love. God is everywhere.
I can't explain it- I just know it.
It strengthens me every day- clears the way.
You can make it through, I'll be here for you.

Live in me.

And be so in me,
that every I soul I meet shall see no longer me,
but only You.

Break down the walls that guard my heart from You.
Restore the bumps and bruises caused by my human imperfection.

Teach me how to be Yours.
Teach me how to listen.
Teach me how to live-
for this world is broken, and I can't make it on my own.

Don't let me go.

Check it.

Wavering, Waiting, and Walking- all at the same time.

Women are so versatile, so good at multi-tasking.
Amen.

Tranquility in honesty.

Empowered.
The ball is in your court.
My life continues either way.

So you decide: you wanna play?

I am prepared

for that which may end unpleasantly.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Remember.
Go!

Father, I am your child.

Show me the way you want me to go.
I am so frustrated.


I want to scream.
Fall, shout and cause a scene.
For I feel. And sometimes it hurts.
And you know nothing of it.
I want to feel special-
I'm left in the dust.
But your smile is a must.
I'm crippled by attraction.

Brain- think.
Heart- stop the overdrive.
All I have is time;
and it hurts.

Announcement to all ladies:

Why do I keep holding on?

To quote a movie:
"Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought."

Put the idea

and the joy of this in a bottle.
I want it.
I breathe it.
Believe it- it's real.

Let's make it happen everyday.
Traditional thinking- throw it away.

I'm goin' home.

Time is winding down to break.
The time I'll fill, leave no mistake.
I'll drink it in, the beauty survives
I'll reinvest in their lives.

.autumn breezes, pumpkin carving,
new kittens, Grandpa, combine ride,
dog walk, sit and talk.

Curl up.

Curl up under covers.
We're left to wonder nothing as we dream.
The time flies by, the blanket is so soft.
A breeze rolls over my skin- I shiver and cover.
Content and cuddly.

Whatever.

Why, hello there, Life 2a.

Do you ever feel that a possible path in life walks past you?
That, had the timing been different, you would been living a very different life now?
That person, that job, that opportunity- that mistake, that impulse, that security.
Life is full of decisions that end up really defining our lives.

Makes me think that maybe I should walk around a bit scared.
But where's the fun in that?

Guess what.

It adds to my curiosity- my frustration- my interest...
But what do I say?

When your eyes brighten up, it makes my day.

Walkabout.

You're not what is expected.
I expect you to act a certain way, and that's where I fumbled.
And that's OK. I'm glad I know now.

Stop assuming, stop assuming.

curious.

.perplexed.

Word of the Day:

Why did I open myself up to this?
Vent. Vent. VentVentVent.
Friggin' A.
I'm not used to this.
There's not a whole lot in common there
and I'm starting to walk away-
cuz there's no clear sign.
And it ticks me off.
Do you try to connect with me? At all?
I'm paralyzed by your lack of......-ugh;
just man up.
Yes or no- just decide, cuz the game's not as much fun as before.

You were exciting: now you're frustrating.
I'm still here, but I'm about to turn around.
Will you catch my arm, or should I not hope?

Take me on an adventure.

Show me who you really are.
Do you have an intent?
Or should I walk in a different direction?
Do you really care?
Curious.
'Cause I'm curious.

Anyway.
I had a dream last night that I took a class of kids on an adventure.
We went creek stomping. This was not a planned activity.
We ended up in very big trouble- but the kids had a great time.

Then a raccoon attacked me and then relieved itself on my pillow.
Jerk..

Yes, I have strange dreams.
I do my best to remember them.

Hey girl!

Remember that night we rode the ferris wheel and it started pouring rain when we reached the top?
It was so liberating!
It just poured

and poured
and we loved it.

Soaked, we joined our friends and splashed through puddles.

The rain was warm. The hearts were warm.
Good days. Good nights.

Love you, chica-
Oh, the adventures we have.

Going for a walk?

Where do I live?

I get a vibe

but not a direct sign.
And it's frustrating
and enjoyable.
I flutter pulses. I smirk. I keep my cool.
You're confusing.
Talk to me. You're wonderful.

A bridge into fog..

is my life.
What is coming next?
I love it
and it frightens me a bit.

Lord, direct me.
Guide my decisions.
Be ever-present.
Let me flourish in your love;
whatever life you want for me-
take me there.