blargh.

Ever met someone who totally intrigued you and upset you at the same time?

Where every time you're around them, it's great, but horrible as well?

So, as most humans do, I dwell on the negative.  Why is that?

I find myself not wanting to be around this person- though they seem great and I want to grow closer to them.

Have they missed something?  Am I missing something?  What's with the internal friction?

So frustrated at the moment.  And there's that killer headache that has crept up.

.blargh.

Relaxation...stress station? bah.

Ah, relaxation, how I miss you.  Won't you come back and force me to be with you?  Darn productivity and progress.  You stress my every moment.

If I ever am without something to do (uh, rarity) I feel so free I don't know what to do with myself.  Those are the moments I hope my true self will show through; show through this uptight student who cares too much.

There are so many expectations in America.  Go to school.  Get good grades.  Papers.  Tests.  Volunteer.  5 times.  Internship.  All this stress...and then you get the job.  You get to wake up and go to work.  Fun?  I pray to God that I have a job I enjoy.  Money hangs over my head like tainted air; I need it, but I don't want to need it like that.  I just want to travel, meet people, enjoy life.  A 9 to 5 may be the end of me.  Ooor I could like it- who knows?  

Blah.  I need a massage.  End story. :P

struggle.

"Sing like you think no one's listening.

You would kill for this

Just a little bit

Just a little bit

You would, you would...

Sing me something soft, sad and delicate

or loud and out of key,

sing me anything."

childhood wonder.

Children.  They are so young, so full of imagination and life.  So gullible.  They grow up believing that their life and is much like others' lives.  

Have you ever seen a child living in poverty?  Dirty clothes, dirty faces, broken teeth.

I remember seeing children such as these in Guatemala.  They come from very large families and just begged to be held, to be smiled at, to have human touch.  A hair tie was a prized possession.

I cringe at some American children: fat, greedy, selfish, taking all they have for granted.  Never having enough- always wanting the next big thing.  Please?  Thank you?

It seems to rare to see kids in a neighborhood getting together and playing imaginary games until the sun goes down.  Where has the wonder gone?  Do children now have too much to appreciate life itself?  

 I believe the outdoors are where children can learn and grow the most.  Seeing the children of Guatemala playing outside and having a blast made me miss my childhood. 

I always joke with my parents and complain about how I hardly had any toys as a kid.  I say I just played with the kittens on the farm.  In all honesty though- when I later found I had Barbies, they weren't that cool- I stayed outside because I enjoyed it.  I'd make a house out of metal scraps or practice obedience training on our dog.  I'd ride my bike to the neighbors and crick stomp.  Life was good.

At school, when I was younger, recess was always looked forward to.  Soups made of leaves, rocks and sticks, swinging around the poles, digging up "fossils," being the "prettiest unicorn," tag, Boys vs. Girls.  I remember using my one year of judo training on a boy and making him cry.  Those were the days.  

"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity."

feed the lions.

I visited some friends during fall break.  When I was eating, I overheard an interesting remark: "The best thing we can do for the environment is to kill ourselves."  I thought, wow, that's blunt.  But I got to thinking about it...we pollute, we kill, we alter...that saying very well may be true!  If we're not here....Earth is...happy?  Plus, we are biodegradable!

Which leads me to another thought:  I don't want to be put into a casket and left to rot.  What a depressing thought.  I might rather be burned and sprinkled.  Maybe sprinkled all over the world!  Not only would people get to eat my dust, I'd also send someone on the trip of a lifetime!  I'd probably have my dust spilt into...23 portions (Go Michael Jordan and my fav #)....eh, that might take awhile...ok 7 (GO GOD!).  *smile* anyway- yeah!  Maybe one on each continent.  Ooooor something cool in general.

My other thought would be "the circle of life."  Why let my body end at all?  Why not just throw me to the lions in Africa and provide them a meal?  It's just a body.  My spirit will be gone!  I would only feel for my fam and friends who would have to do the throwing of the body to the lions...or even them having the thought that my body that hugged them, kissed them, heck, high-fived them was being ripped to shreds....that might be disconcerting.  Ah, I'm not that old...if I don't die from something crazy, I have awhile to think about it all.

*ahem* "Oh, the lions they can eat my body but they can't swallow my soul, oh no, no, no!"

While you're at it, check out this video!  The only way I can link to something I've talked about it that it's a disney song...and I quoted the Lion King?  Just watch- it's not what you expect. :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9-CS2v8wcc

boomkahboomkah. fifa.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijVUzyXTM10

Watch.  Be amazed.

This makes me miss Guatemala and wish that I had talent.

:D

agua.

"Swim in the dark tonight, this art does not end."

Water is a beautiful thing.  We can drink it, swim in it, wash with it, cook with it, splash with it.  Swimming is so glorious; your body in an element that slows you down, holds you up,  flows around your every curve, is your negative, in a sense.  To swim is to literally dive into a different dimension- your body's experience  changes completely.  

Inspiration: this picture and the scene from "Ever After" where Drew Barrymore is swimming and all of a sudden sees Leonardo DaVinci "walking on water" in his....boat shoes?  Yeah.

By the way- skinny dippers are amazingly brave people.   Not only do they bare all, but they jump into water that is probably dark, that can't be seen through to the bottom.  Holy flip.  I don't care where I am, I see dark water and sharks come to mind.  Yes, I do not live anywhere near a coast that could have sharks, but can I help my phobia?  No.  *sigh*  One must have complete faith to jump into dark water.  How deep is it?  What lurks beneath?  Will the police come by with their flash lights?  *runs away*  : ]

feel it.

Laugh attacks

They happen to the best of us.

Darn those tubas and polka.

I just went through my pictures that I save from the internet. I was looking for a funny/extremely happy picture to add to that blurb but I couldn't find a single one.  This reminds me of a conversation I had awhile back.  I was on a walk and this topic came up: pictures that are emotional in a sad/depressing way can be more beautiful than most other kinds.  Think about it: it really doesn't seem forced: who wants to throw it out there that that's how they feel/reflect on life? 

     

Don't get me wrong, I love happy people-- I think most would agree that it's not as fun to be around people who are not happy, but aren't they the ones who might have it right?  True emotion is authentic.  Happiness may be fun and desirable, but who is happy all the time?

"Wear your heart on your sleeve, make things hard to believe."

release...

I must release...

Loss

Furry body gone, no soul to move on

Cling to my heart, you never would part

Until you were broken and couldn't go on.

Loss

No reason you gave

With no notice, took your life away

And no one saw it coming.

Loss

Cruising the highway

Out on the road, bet it was a nice day

Crash- within seconds, you were gone.

I'm angry.  Life is so fragile and when you're away you feel a disconnect...as others disconnect.  I've basically heard all bad news from home since I've been here, and it's hitting me.  I don't know how to express the pain it's caused.

A word here and there will remind me of these losses.

My face becomes stoic.  How can one weep when there's no other connection?

This world was not meant to be full of brokenness, hurt, pain, grief.

So I strive every day to know that I'm strong.  Life goes on.  People love.  God's up above.

I mustn't give up.             

goosebumps.

This gives me intense goosebumps...every time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6035E4s9sh0

Romans 12:2 (New International Version)

2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Peter Pan complex.

                           

Do we really forget when we go away?

I believe to some extent we forget those who we never deemed all that close to us, but when it comes to family and close friends, how could we?  I don't worry when it comes to my fam, but I dread the idea of growing away from my besties.  I live away from them- they're having experiences I'll never have and vice versa.  Most of them I've known since I was just a wee little thing and we've gone through everything together: slumber parties, boys, orthodontia, awkward junior highness, senioritis.  All.  What will it be like when we get married?  Have kids?  Hot flashes?  Yeah, I want my girls there ;)!  

Then I think of guy friends.  At some point it won't be nearly as acceptable to have close guy friends.  I mean, am I right?  You get married= end of guy friendships (or at least that's how I imagine it)...  Sometimes a girl just needs some dudes to chill with who don't lean towards drama and chit-chatter.  

"The secret of genius is to carry the spirit of childhood into maturity."  Can I get an amen?  Who really wants to completely grow up?  I cling to my Peter Pan complex.  Cheers.

"flow"

A friend of mine has always calmly discussed religion with me.  He used to attend church, has read the Bible in its entirety, and doesn't believe in God. 

Anyway, he once said (hypothetically) he'd like to start his own religion and call it "The Zone."  Intrigued, I was like "wtf mate?"

He explained it like something I learned in class the other day- "flow."  It's one kind of happiness.  It's where you're doing something and you're so engrossed in it that you basically block out everything else.  Though you aren't sitting there smiling or laughing mirthfully to yourself, you are being challenged and are accepting it.  

Volleyball.  This is where I find my flow.  My attention is on that ball and on the movement of the teams.  I chatter like a crazy.  3 times means it's true-- "tiptiptip" "outoutout" "mineminemine!"- whatever.  I can't hear the crowd, I don't think about anything but what is occurring right then, and how I may need to move next. I feel graceful as I move- I've practiced hundreds of hours in high school. 

My sand volleyball team has tall guys on it= I don't spike as much.  Sad day.  But when I'm a part of that volley, a pass or set, and one of the guys crashes it down, nothing is more epic than that.  I get such inner joy from a good game of volleyball, even if our team loses.  Real happiness.

A friend of mine says her "flow" comes from running, God bless her.  Even though I can't imagine getting into "a zone" while running (other than constantly thinking, "Thisisn'tfunouchamIdoneyet?") she does it every day.  That's sweet.  I'm on the lookout for others' flows.  Do share :)

New Zealand

I crumble into your arms

weary and broken from life's heavy load

you help me stand

when I can't do it alone

You give me comfort

as you gather me near

I feel all life's worries

quickly disappear

What does one do when they're broken?  When their spirit is so exhausted that they believe they can't go on?  I have moments like this.  I lose grasp of what really is and is to come; I curl up in a ball and sleep so I won't have to deal with the present.  I've come to find that hugs are my medicine.  Words won't always get hope across to me, but someone being there can.

How do those with the gift of empathy have normal days?  If they so easily feel what others are feeling, aren't they in turmoil?  Our culture encourages more and more negativity, that each of us is not good enough unless we do this, and this, and this...Where is the relaxation?  Where has pure authenticity gone?  Why are Americans always rushed to be somewhere, do something, be somebody?  I think I'll move to New Zealand.

numero uno.

I've always wanted a blog.  Who doesn't want the opportunity to release the immense amounts of rambling trapped inside one's mind?  So, inspirEd is what I've decided to blab about. 

 

I have a daily dilemma.  I have such passion for life that I don't know what to do with it all.  I can become so frustrated when I have no outlet to express myself.  I just took a strengths test and my number one strength was "Appreciation of Beauty." Hit me right on the nose.  I look for inspiration in all things.  Is there a job out there to inspire and be inspired?  If so, *raises hand* pick me.  

My friend and I have a fun, non-existent (yet! :P) modeling agency that we are constantly on the lookout for new possible models.  Beautiful people make me scream inside.  Their picture needs to be taken- don't they understand that? :)

Vocals.  Can I sing for you?  Best seat in the house is outside the shower.  Since coming to school I've felt a terrible strain on my heart because I have no true, solo outlet for my voice.  I feel God push me onward, but I dig my heels in and resist because I'm scared.  Should  feel guilty?  It hangs with me everyday...wish I could sing about this angst. lol.

I have a constant band inside my head.  A constant beat in my heart.  Palpitations every moment.  My feet wish to dance to what they hear, what they feel.  My one regret in life (possibly?) is that I stopped taking dance lessons.  I would have a better understanding of how to control the passion and make more sense of the dance rage within me.  I would consider being a choreographer.  Bodies are beautiful and move with such elegance or fierceness that I can't explain.  But people who dance because it's just what they've done don't have it right, I mean: go big or go home.  If you have the talent, use it all or you're wasting your time.  If it's not your passion you get nothing from it.  Go learn to crochet or something. :D

Thus ends my first blog.  Enjoyable.  I may just become addicted.  Until next time :D- cheers